An empty space. A gap. A hole. A missing piece.
No matter what I call it, it doesn’t change the fact that it is there. Or should I say something is not in there. It makes me think about what exactly did I lose…is it a person? a thing? a feeling?
I try to keep myself busy with other things and occupy every corner of my mind with anything…anything but you. So now, I really don’t know if I’ve moved on or I’m just in a pre-occupied state. Friends, school, DVD marathons, and endless games—I’m alright. I just can’t explain why I sometimes find myself listening to songs of our past. One single song would start a long playlist of memories in my heart. That ignored feeling of emptiness just sneaks into my life like a ghost of past and it’s so hard to get rid of it. I have to go to another long process of struggling to push that ghost away, only to realize I couldn’t touch it to make it move.
Sleepless nights. Countless books. Endless hours of internet. Hundreds of SMS sent. Continuous hang-outs. I go back to my ritual of keeping myself preoccupied to make it go away.
I make myself busy. A song. Stream of memories. That same old empty space. Loneliness. The cycle goes on and on.
What do I do with it? Nothing. It has become an addictive habit.
I know soon I would drown deeper into it and it would be the end of me.