Just a post.

Here’s a post to clear my head before I start off my weekend work. Sometimes, we need to unload our baggage to move forward. Sometimes, we think that we are okay, and that we don’t have stuff that bother us. But, in reality, they do bother us, maybe subconsciously at least.

Most of the time, in order to figure it out, we need to stop and reassess ourselves to be familiar with the inner struggles or the developing storms within us.

Recently, it’s different with me as I have been distracted with the noises of the world that hindered me from hearing what’s within. I felt fine these past months, but not until recently when I noticed that I seem to be a stranger in my own skin.

It’s only now that I realized, I’m actually bothered by a lot of stuff. Like this bad habit, I’ve been accustomed to which is really bad for health but I seem to enjoy. This too much nonsensical stuff I spend most of my time. That cold shoulder I’ve developed to writing…to self-improvement and to knowledge.

Burnt out. That’s my excuse. I want to justify my reckless actions and decisions with it but deep inside I know, it’s not. I’m ashamed to admit to myself that I’ve become irresponsible and weak. I’ve let myself get into this mess.

I want to get it right and I think by writing this, it will be my tangible push for that change to happen.

I need to change. I need to improve.I must improve.I must say goodbye to old unproductive habits. I must never let myself go down that road again.

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fairly possessive or possessively fair?

My friend introduced me to this guy when we were in sophomore in high school. He was okay, we have occasional exchange of messages during that time and I just considered him as a guy friend. But when we were in junior and senior high, we lost our communication. Then, social networking sites were born, Friendster was one. It was there where we got to keep in touch again but it didn’t last long. I was a 1st year student and had a boyfriend that time, so I was preoccupied with school and my boyfriend(now,ex). A year passed, the guy made the effort to reconnect. He asked for my number and we had this casual friendship thing through text messages. The guy is sending some signals about his feelings for me. I ignored him of course, I was focused on my boyfriend.

When my boyfriend and I had our problems during the second year of relationship, we broke up.My boyfriend had a new relationship, and I was still hoping. I was hoping but also determined to move on. The guy came to the rescue, he cheered me up. We are from different towns, he lives two hours away from our place but still, he visited me often. The guy was also student and had strict parents so he will escape just to see me. I tried to like him, I really did try but something in me isn’t ready for change. Every time the guy and I would go out, I secretly wished it was my boyfriend I was with. (I know, it was unfair)

Then, my boyfriend wanted us back together and of course, I took him back. I was really in love with him and ready to forgive him no matter what. I told the guy about it. He was okay with it he said, though I know his heart was breaking but I was too blind to care.

A year passed. My boyfriend and I finally decided to end our miserable relationship. I was free but broken. I went out a lot, trying to forget my ex. After a few months, I’ve met some guys whose statuses were complicated so no relationship truly existed.

The guy asked how I was doing and if I’m still with my boyfriend. I told him I was not okay and that I’m not with my boyfriend anymore. He told me, he’ll help me get over and I told him honestly that I don’t think I’m ready but I want to try. He still said he’s willing to bet on my unstable emotions. And so the guy became my boyfriend…but only for two weeks. I still had some issues within to deal with. I’ve hurt the guy. Again.

What amazes me, he never did get mad at me. He would still say ‘hello’ every now and then, when he sees I’m online. I would reply a few times and then ignore him. I felt like he was never getting tired of me but I was too drown with my personal fight to move on about my past 3-year relationship.

Then the guy seems to care less lately. It was only the time I missed him. I started to came up with reasons why he isn’t the same anymore ( maybe he has a new girl, maybe he’s busy at school or maybe he’s just over me) So I made an effort asking how he was, then I found out he still has no girlfriend and he’s just busy with his studies. And now, we’re again in touch.

 I’m now aware how nice and understanding he really is. I also know that he deserves better treatment from me.

 

We will be going out this Friday. I don’t know if I’ll be doing this because I want to give him another chance since I didn’t give him a fair fight back then. Or I’m just the possessive and selfish type, who wants this guy not to get over me.

What do you think about me? Have you been in the same situation?

Which is the bad choice?

 

I’ve been an unproductive and useless person for the past few weeks. I want to go out and have fun but my friends are all busy and I should be doing my school requirements too. I’ve been spending most of my waking hours on the internet, so I’m not that productive. My addiction right now is Chatting. I just need someone to talk to, especially about these feeling of emptiness and being lost.

I don’t know who should I turn to. First option, my best friend,who also happens to be my ex and probably one of the reason why I have this empty feeling. Second option, my friends, who are great but I can’t seem to find the courage to tell them how I really feel right now and I’m too shy to be weak in front of them.

So which is the bad choice?