Describing the world with words.

I’ve recently came across this challenge from Daily Post about taking a snapshot of the experience using only words. It reminded me about a book I’ve read a few months ago, there was this concert in a book and the character said something about why do people take a video or pictures of the performance instead of just enjoying the moment and having divided attention between the act and video. It really made a mark in me, so I try to live life instead of capturing it.

Anyway, here’s my attempt on that challenge.

On a lazy Sunday afternoon while I was at the office, I went out to the balcony and sat there for a few moments. The sky was cloudy, adding a little gloom in the the already gloomy day weekend. As I sat there, I looked around for something unusual worth writing about but to my luck, I didn’t see any. It was just the same old buildings with their tired looks having endured so many years being still in that place.

I closed my eyes, I heard a child scream from somewhere, probably from the park nearby. I hear a car horn from a far, the sound of a driver in a hurry. I hear another one, this time it was a cautious warning. In between those car horns and voices of children around, for a few seconds I hear that constant hum of the world in motion. That low but resonating sound of the world—a culmination of the different low-key sounds of nature, technology and people.

In those brief moments of ‘silence’, I’ve realized that the world we live in doesn’t really wait for anyone. That the time that have gone, are gone forever.

Autumn Leaves (3). Five photos

They say there is order in chaos…I’d say, there’s beauty in chaos.

Just a post.

Here’s a post to clear my head before I start off my weekend work. Sometimes, we need to unload our baggage to move forward. Sometimes, we think that we are okay, and that we don’t have stuff that bother us. But, in reality, they do bother us, maybe subconsciously at least.

Most of the time, in order to figure it out, we need to stop and reassess ourselves to be familiar with the inner struggles or the developing storms within us.

Recently, it’s different with me as I have been distracted with the noises of the world that hindered me from hearing what’s within. I felt fine these past months, but not until recently when I noticed that I seem to be a stranger in my own skin.

It’s only now that I realized, I’m actually bothered by a lot of stuff. Like this bad habit, I’ve been accustomed to which is really bad for health but I seem to enjoy. This too much nonsensical stuff I spend most of my time. That cold shoulder I’ve developed to writing…to self-improvement and to knowledge.

Burnt out. That’s my excuse. I want to justify my reckless actions and decisions with it but deep inside I know, it’s not. I’m ashamed to admit to myself that I’ve become irresponsible and weak. I’ve let myself get into this mess.

I want to get it right and I think by writing this, it will be my tangible push for that change to happen.

I need to change. I need to improve.I must improve.I must say goodbye to old unproductive habits. I must never let myself go down that road again.

Changes.

They say the only thing constant in this world is CHANGE. I believe it, but I prefer that positive kind of change. Lately, I’ve undergone some changes, from the simplest to the mind-boggling-heart-stopping change (well, at least for my standards). Lifestyle. Looks. Perception. Feelings(?).  These changes that have occurred are not necessarily that type of change that I prefer, and I’m ashamed about some of it. I am ashamed for I allowed myself to be swayed into that direction of change.

So, I have resolved to myself that I will try to change those changes that I have control of and to at least minimize the effects of unintended consequences of my actions and decisions. 

 

2 x = y

This week, I met two Xs. One was intentional and the other one was unintentional. And now, I ask myself “Y is this happening to me? Is this some fate’s joke?”

Blah blah blah

I just want to write down whatever is going through my head so pardon this post.

I read a blog of my friend (Joana) where she has listed down topics that she’s been thinking of. The list was a looong one (but it had coherence) and somehow, I was able to relate. She said that she doesn’t seem to wrap her head around the idea of sorting the important and the little matters. Well, I think, at that point when she wrote that. The classification should not be an issue, sometimes, writing is the only way to release some of the frustrations/anger/stress that these thoughts bring us.

Warning: Next lines might be totally incoherent.

What’s on my head? Project. Client. Meetings.Stephanie. Feeling stupid. Feeling worthless and unproductive. Copycats. Broken hearts. Jerks.Subliminal messages. Song. Puro Laro. Independent candidates. Gordon. Elections. I miss home. I really miss my family. Chocolate cakes and coffee with my food buddies. I need a breather. This is too much. Global warming. Wearing a blazer for a meeting on a hot summer day. Bullsh*ts. Life. Dried lips. Wanting to smoke again. That poor fish I just devoured this lunch. Sorry. Ecosystem. That’s the way things are. Predator-prey relationships. Biology class. 2nd year high school. That unforgettable Biology teacher. Memories. Good.Bad. Memories that hurt. Memories that I wish to forget. I love/hate this. Line for this week. Deep breaths. Tabs. Waiting for an email. Feeling like a lost soul in this stationary place. I want to scream. I want to let this out. I shout inside my head.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I miss my mom. I need a hug. Home is 339.4 kilometers away. Texting with my mom. I miss her. I really do. Work. I must get back to work,but I can’t. I’m not in the mood. I want to curse. I want to swear on the top of my lungs. HR passes by near my table. Deep breaths. A sigh. I hear a snap, a snap I hate. I f*cking hate. Deep breaths. I should end this. Should I end this?STOP.

Dear Friend

March 18, 2013

9:51PM

 

I’ll be channeling my inner ‘Charlie’ (Perks of being a Wallflower). I’ll try to write to his ‘Friend’ who listens and understands and didn’t try to sleep with that person at that party even though he/she could have.

 

Dear Friend,

I am writing to tell you how my day went today. I just don’t know how to share this with other people. I think it’s much easier this way. I get to express what I feel without thinking too much of gestures, facial expression and I can avoid eye contact. ( I don’t know, I just feel uncomfortable looking people in the eye while I disclose my innermost feelings) I’m not the mysterious type of person, I just prefer writing.

 

Okay, so here’s the thing, most of my friends from work are leaving. Some will work in other companies, and some will just go on their way with their reasons. It makes me really sad knowing that our days together are numbered but I know I can’t do anything about it.I could only accept the fact that they’re leaving and I could only hope that things were different—that they didn’t have to go. I can’t tell them how I really feel because I know it will ruin things. Like tonight, I was chilling with two of my friends at our chill spot in the office after work while listening to our favorite band. I told them while one of our most loved song was playing that it was probably the song that brought us all together—the song that started our crazy friendship. We were singing our hearts out, and for a few silent seconds I realized that I will truly miss them I’ve realized that the sad part is really near. I don’t really like goodbyes. I’m bad at goodbyes. While I was sitting there, I wanted to tell them that I will really miss them. I wanted to tell them that for the past few months we’ve known each other, they sort of become like family and knowing that they’re leaving makes me feel that I’m losing the family I’ve cherished for those few months. I wanted to tell them all of these but I’m afraid that my tears will win over me so I held back. I couldn’t even look them in the eye as we sat there silently. I just felt that when they catch a glimpse of my eyes, I’ll breakdown right there. Yes, I was afraid my eyes would betray and destroy the facade I’ve carefully built.

 

I’m sad that they are leaving but at the same time I’m happy that they are slowly making their dreams come true.So I’m sad and happy at the same time, I don’t know if that makes sense but that’s how I really feel right now. All I can do now is take a deep breath, and savor the few weeks remaining that I’ll be with their company. I guess I should stop writing now, I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to cry because I don’t want them to remember me with tears, I want them to remember me with a smile on my face—a smile that somehow they are responsible for.

 

P.S: I even made a playlist for them. I hope you can listen to it here.

 

Love always,

Hazey